1. Who the f--k will read this to me? »

    …pretty certain this will help my sleepless nights…

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  3. Bath and Body works is your new dealer.»

    At least she smelled good and had soft skin doin’ it.

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  5. Childhood called. It wants its tantrum back. »
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  7. These days, I just don't have the time to read.»

    Finally, Goodnight Moon sparknotes.

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  9. when you’re from iceland where it’s freezing all of the time, you’ve no choice but to make pretty, pretty music. 

    (of monsters and men - little talks)

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  11. Niagara Falls is only on during the day.

    Niagara Falls is only on during the day.

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  13. “Hello, Mom? I haaaave news! I finally landed a legit acting gig! Yeah…no, a legitimate acting job, not like those silly late night commercials I’ve been doing.

    Well, I don’t know many details yet, just that it’s a music video for Kanye West and John Legend. They needed someone with long hair and flexibility, particularly with my neck and upper body…not sure what that means, but okay! I know! I know! I thought the same thing! ‘About time those 15 years of gymnastics paid off!’ 

    Yeah, I think I’ll be doing SOME dancing, but I don’t think it’ll be anything too crazy. What? No, no, I won’t be naked. Come on, I have a little more dignity than that. No, I don’t think I have many lines, but I’m told I’ll have a few close up shots. They seemed impressed that I had the lead in The Glass Menagerie andThe Importance of Being Earnest, so if they wanted me to have dialogue, they’d know I’m more than capable. 

    What do you mean, don’t overdo my eyeshadow like I always do? OH, OH, no, you’re right, you’re right. I’ll make sure I tone it down a little. OH! Remember those tattoos on my back I regret getting when I was in college? They don’t mind those, so I don’t have to worry about paying for tattoo removal quite yet. 

    I’m just super excited to finally have something BIG to put on my acting resume. I think this is going to open up a lot of doors for me. I mean, everybody watches Kanye West videos! Okay, I gotta go - I have to get ready for my audition for CashPoint. Love you!”

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  15. File under: Covers that sound way better than the original song»

    Robert Smith and Crystal Castles made a beautiful music baby together. 

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  17. I was riiiiiight behind these guys»
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  19. Ya'll ever rode on the metro?»
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